Wind chimes on the front porch sang a mournful song the day my husband and I watched a hearse drive away from our home, in it our daughter’s body cradled in the arms of an employee of the funeral home. The car rounded the corner out of sight and I bowed my head in prayer; Lord, please help me to fully experience this pain, all the while feeling your love blanketing me with comfort.
As we walked back into our home I knew our family was changed forever. Emma passed away from a genetic illness called Cockayne Syndrome when she three ½ years old. She was full of spunk and she was a tiny messenger of truth. Like a spring- fed well of truth, she taught me every day. But the lessons Emma’s life brought didn’t come easy to me at first. Denial and confusion about her diagnosis plagued me for a long while before finding hope.
When Emma was two years old a friend invited me to a church support group. I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea and didn’t attend church but something inside me ached as I hesitantly accepted the offer. I wasn’t sure what to expect and felt everyone would kick me out if they knew how confused I was at God for Emma’s illness. Arriving for the first time, I looked around and saw women in various stages of their lives, with all different sorts of problems. One thing united them. Jesus Christ. Months wore on and I kept showing up, and slowly began to share my heart. It was there I sobbed, admitted the fear of losing my child, and that I didn’t understand how I could ever find peace when one day my child would no longer be in my arms. It was there I accepted Jesus. In that cozy, faith filled room hope grew inside me. Not that Emma would get better, but that God would never leave me.
My faith grew as I read the Bible and became surrounded in prayer. Faith has been the cornerstone to not only surviving but thriving in the wake of Emma’s death. God’s love for my daughter is greater than even my love for her. His grace covers all that I do; flaws, sin, doubt. Each day I attempt to deepen my faith and gain insight into His character. My daughter was beautifully and wonderfully made by God’s hands. In Psalms is the verse “You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. Your eyes foresaw my actions; in your book all are written down; my days were shaped, before one came to be.” (Ps.139:13,16). Emma’s genetic fabric was carefully chosen well before she began her life on earth. She was placed into our family and lovingly cared for. Emma’s spirit was shaped and filled with God’s grace. The feeling of contentment, and indescribable emotion when holding her was simply, Him infused through her. I am thankful for the journey with Emma for it helped my family to become closer to the Lord.
Crying out in pain, I have found peace knowing her life brought glory to the Lord and in His promises I know we will be reunited with her again one day. We all have been given the same promise of eternal life if we accept Christ as our Savior. It is my hope by sharing this story that others may find their own peace in pain. For each person going through deep pain, struggling to find meaning and awareness I pray you will find hope and a renewed faith in the Lord. The road is a long, tear filled one; but you are never alone. Though the darkness seems overwhelming at times, it is the love of the Lord which brings tiny glimmers of light. “God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.” 1John1:5. Life on earth is not forever, but love is. “God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. There is no fear in love.” 1 John 16-18
Copyright Kim Houser
